It is almost like a scene in the movie.
She enters the room hesitantly, eyes downcast and with a sheepish voice says, “hi.”
Typically, the scene takes place after a disagreement or fight. She is embarrassed, humbled and insecure regarding how she will be greeted.
And so I enter my place in cyberspace with the same reservations. Admittedly, I have been gone awhile. It was never my intention. However, my absence transformed me.
Six weeks ago, I found that I was becoming increasingly busy. I felt weighted with “having” to create blogging substance, so I took a break. It was intended to be a one week break.
The week turned into two weeks. A few unexpected personal family priorities emerged. The two weeks turned into three weeks. After three weeks away, almost any thought of blogging evaporated. I suddenly recognized something.
For the first time in nearly 6 years, I was completely separated from my online life. Yes, I have taken previous blogging breaks, but this time was different. I stopped twitter and facebook (as a blogger), completely quit reading blogs, walked away from almost all online relationships and completely ceased blog writing in my head. What I came to recognize was almost truly transformational.
I felt free.
I suddenly had a lot of time on my hands. Not because I had spent so much time writing before, but the mental space that blogging consumed was something I didn’t recognize had happened. For 6 years, there was always a piece of me that was here. Or wishing I was here. There was always a piece of me writing or formulating or creating in my head. There was always a compelling burden to write, communicate, or read. That is not necessarily a negative thing, but it weighted me. And I had no idea. That is until I advertently cut all ties.
That leads me to the here and now. What does that mean for the future of this blog? I don’t know. A small part of me wants to walk away and never blog again. The larger part of me does not feel that is the answer. I am wired to communicate. I am fulfilled through encouraging other women with written and spoken word. Does that mean here and now? Again, I don’t know.
I apologize for not resurfacing earlier. I was hoping for the neon lights of direction before I committed to where I was going. I decided that this is more honest.
To just admit, I have no idea.
I don’t suspect I am disappearing. My appearance may just be different than before. Or again, it may remain completely the same. Don’t you just love the mystery of life?
I OFTEN have ALL these thoughts. Even though I enjoy reading blogs, and finding out informative things, I feel absolutely shackled by our technology. It is a tool, I know, I know.....but I feel that if I just spent time with the women and families that are right outside my door, pouring into their lives, seeking to make a difference just one at a time, that I would be just as fulfilled, just as needed, and far more peaceful. The problem is that we've all moved so far from local community - everyone is inside on thier computers, spending time encouraging the hundreds that are far from them. Many people suffer from isolation in the midst of many people, feeling forgotten - even in cyberspace. Everyday I'm inching closer to being able to "be the change" and to bless those around me until they can't live without local in-person contact, and until they start to do it for others...:) Bless you! Live your life, and impact those you are immediately in contact with - and then whoever God gives you outside of that. Bless you!
ReplyDeleteCarla your comment is incredibly wise and discerning. The funny thing is that THIS is exactly the reason I am quietly waiting for direction. SO many hurts right here around me. You have blessed me. Thank you.
DeleteI often have similar thoughts. Part of me wishes I'd never started blogging. But most of me loves it. I love interacting with other bloggers and writing my thoughts and recording our family activities. This spring has been so busy for me that I haven't been able to blog. Part of me feels very frustrated by that. By the time I finish doing all the things I "have" to do, I'm too tired to put two sentences together. Oh well, it's a season, right? Glad you're back. Or not. Whichever you choose. :)
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